...so i touched it.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
not ubering you a puppy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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