It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
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It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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