I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
