So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
