Can Purell be used as lube?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
