we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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