girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't deserve a penis
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
