i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
