yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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