saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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