I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
