theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
