I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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