the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
