I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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