Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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