we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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