he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
