just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
