Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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