My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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