I faked an abortion last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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