Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
