If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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