Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
