i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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