i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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