True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
