Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
