So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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