Four minutes until I can fart!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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