Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
