He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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