What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
