So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
