I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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