She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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