I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
