I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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