he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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