the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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