I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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