This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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