We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
...so i touched it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
