This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
