My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
