Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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