I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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