My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize