Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
