Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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