Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.