Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
