I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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