Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
