i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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