I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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