Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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