She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
