I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
