my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
