Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
