Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
