you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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